Not Myself

You know when I started this blog things were going great? Well, except for the political world, but then how could I possibly expect that to get any better for at least another two years. When I started this blog I was on the conductor's extra board for the Wisconsin and Southern railroad in Janesville, WI. I had six people underneath me, all still in training, but I knew it would not be long before I had at least enough seniority to keep me off the crappiest of jobs and there was no way I would be forced anywhere. I was meeting new friends and reconnecting with old friends. I was even getting really close to someone, which hadn't happened for almost a year prior. In other words, things were looking up.

Then the bottom fell out.

First the railroad got rid of all six that were in training. There went my seniority in one fell swoop. The good news was there were no plans for further cuts, so even if I had a crappy bid, I still had a job, and a job I was fairly well enjoying. Unfortunately they created a bid crappier than any they had done prior - a new job at Rock Springs, WI, at 1600. Since I was bottom of the list, you can figure who got FORCED to that job.

Now Rock Springs would have been a great job had it not been 80 miles away from my house. We had our own building up there, had a great rhythm going, and just sort of did things the way we wanted; there were no trainmasters and dispatchers breathing down our necks. Unfortunately, like I said though, the job was 80 miles away and that put a huge dent in my pocketbook based on gas.

I did try to make the best of it though. Rock Springs is located in the Baraboo Syncline with scenery you would never expect to find in Wisconsin. I took the opportunity several times to visit Devil's Lake State Park on my drive up; if I was going to do that drive five days a week, I might as well at least find ways to enjoy it, even if it meant driving back home in the middle of the night.

I figured it couldn't be the end of the world. The bid sucked but eventually I would get off it. Besides, there was no talk of cutting any more people, we were told things had settled down and the company was doing fine. In fact, they made me feel so confident I traded in my Ford Explorer (which I despised) for an 08 Hyundai Santa Fe. At least I could get a little better mileage on my 160 mile daily drive.

Not even a week later a fax came through to the Rock Springs depot: "All employees will receive a 10% pay cut and job cuts are also expected." Well they told ME I should be safe. So a 10% pay cut. I figured I would just spend a few nights a week up at the Rock Springs depot to cut back on driving costs. Yes it sucked, but I still had a job, and a job I still liked.

The next day my phone rang with the dispatcher on the other end of the line: "Show up in Madison, bring all your equipment." Fuck me, I knew exactly what that was. And to top it off I had to drive 80 miles up to Rock Springs and 50 back to Madison because all of my equipment was up at the depot. Talk about icing on the cake.

So we were all called in, 10 of us I think, and told we were all furloughed. The next week they let a bunch more go. That pretty much ruined my chances of coming back anytime soon, since I had nearly a dozen people that would have to be called back ahead of me and there was no sign they would be doing callbacks any time soon. Worst of all my trainmaster knew there were a bunch of people that should have been fired besides myself and a lot of others that were because we were following the rules and doing a great job, but some with more seniority are constantly in hot water, but they have seniority. Just like liberal politics, work ethic has no play, it was all just whoever had been there the longest.

So now here I am something like three or four weeks later and I am completely not myself. I used to brush off adversity (as you could see above "it sucks, but I still have a job") but now it just makes me depressed. I don't know what I want to do anymore. I'm looking at going to grad school but I'm not sure I could make the deadline which makes me more depressed because it's just that much longer I have to sit and twiddle my thumbs. 

Nothing I used to do that brought me joy does so anymore. I used to love sitting down to play jazz at the piano, now it just depresses me because I can't play as well as I used to; I used to enjoy traveling and photography, but now I don't feel like driving nor getting out of the car to take a photo. 

And I'm really drifting away from people. I just don't even feel like talking to anyone anymore. When my phone beeps a call or new text message I just get annoyed. A new voicemail just pisses me off. Some of the people I was getting close to I now feel like pushing away - I don't know why. The few people I would like to see are hundreds, even thousands of miles away; and when I do get within range I then don't feel like talking to them. Some of my new friends I've met in Wisconsin also drive me nuts - no real reason, just that antisocial stage I've drifted in to.

And now I'm back at home in ND. I love this state, love the scenery, but I just do not feel like being here. And worst of all I feel like I'm forced to be here right now. I have no excuse to remain in Wisconsin because I have no job. My only escape is that I have to return to check up on my house every few weeks.

Worst of all I hate this not being myself. I used to look at adversity in the face and laugh, I used to love getting a phone call or text message, I used to love visiting ND - but not anymore. I really hate not being myself, no direction, no sign of things picking up. I don't foresee things getting much worse, but I do see an endless wandering through the wilderness trying to figure out what path will get me out - unfortunately all I see is more trees.